When couple arguments get overheated, thinking goes out the window.

Each partner tries to score points and prove the other wrong. Old hurts may appear, latent grievances remembered, and the words ‘often’ or ‘never’ regularly appear at this stage of rows and shouting matches. At this stage, continuing to speak, shout, or slam doors is completely counterproductive. Emotions are raw, the reptilian brain is activated, flight/flight chemicals are coursing through your veins, so resolution is unachievable. Continuing just rehashes the conflict loop, yet couples often can’t stop themselves.

The solution may be a safe word.

1. Choose your safe word beforehand, not in the middle of an argument. The safe word should be something that isn’t offensive and won’t add fuel to the fire. So, in other words no name calling, cursing, or something that’ll make things worse. It could be a random word like “apple” – a word associated with a more pleasant association, like the name of the restaurant you went on your first date together, or something unexpected and absurd like “” “Lithuania” “Chewbacca” – what’s your word. It should be a word that doesn’t escalate the argument.

2. Agree on the action the safe word signifies. It could mean a 5-minute cool-off period for both partners to take a breather, get a glass of water, regain composure, and reconnect with their rational brain. It’s a chance to check out your tone, posture, feelings, point of the argument, and evaluate how to make a shift.

3. Be careful not to overuse the word.

4. Monitor its effectiveness, and revisit to make any adjustments. If it doesn’t work as a way to interrupt your fights, then don’t use this technique.

Goal

The purpose of this exercise is to practice a respectful way of speaking and listening to your partner.

The goal is NOT to solve problems, but to listen and try and hear the others’ point of view. You don’t have to agree, but you need to be respectfully and actively listen. You should have something on your mind you want to express.

Structure

You can pre-arrange a ‘chairs’ session, or ask for it spontaneously.

Do not do the chairs in the midst of a row or when things are heated.

You can set a time limit of 5 minutes for each partner, to begin. You can take turns, or only have a 1-person session

Set two chairs facing each other.

Rules to agree:

• We will only use “I” statements

• We will speak slowly and in short chunks so we can carefully and sincerely understand each other.

• If there is shouting, explaining, arguing or talk-back, we will take a break and begin later.

• To begin, the listener may say three things:

1. “Tell me more” or “is there more?”

2. “How do you feel?”

3. “What do you need from me?”

More advanced:

• You can increase the time.

• The next phase is to have the listener repeat back what they have heard. If it’s not right, the speaker should clarify and ask the listener to try again. Remember, the listener doesn’t have to AGREE, but has to show they have HEARD what has been said.

• In time, the chairs can be used for compliments, expressions of gratitude, etc.

1. Loving WORDS

2. Kind ACTIONS

3. Quality TIME

4. Thoughtful PRESENTS

5. Physical AFFECTION

Each of us understands what it means to be loved in slightly different ways. For some, it’s a hug and touch, others may like to be remembered on birthdays and special occasions, and others like their partner to spend time talking.

All are important, but which is your primary love language?

What expression makes you feel most loved?

Daily love will be impossible if we don’t learn our PARTNER’S primary (even 2nd and 3rd!) ways of understanding and receiving!

Think about what YOUR primary love language is, and share that with your partner. Is that what they would have guessed? What about your partner, does what you think match what they say?

1. Use direct rather than indirect language – in other words use “I” statements.

2. Do not hint, mock, imitate, or use sarcasm.

3. Try and stay more with feelings, rather than facts. Own your own feelings. People tend to rationalise rather than express their emotions, but suppressed emotions can lead to more trouble.

4. Respond respectfully to the other person’s feelings.

5. Use statements rather than questions. The classic “do you love me?” really means “I need to feel loved”. You are not actually responsible for anyone’s feelings except your own.

6. Keep to the issues at hand – do not drag up previous disagreements.

7. Let your arguments stand on their own merits. Avoid bringing in other people’s opinions to back you up, e.g. don’t say: “everyone thinks…” when you mean “I think…”

8. Express your needs openly to your partner. So do not know, manipulate, threaten, or intimidate.

9. Do not name call or label – e.g. “lazy” “paranoid” “alcoholic”

10. Remember that whoever “wins” the argument is irrelevant-- because the relationship always loses. Confront the issue rather than each other.

11. Be aware of how you feel before and after a row and share these feelings. Sometimes it can be helpful to have a positive post mortem to clear the air. Make sure you are not simply trying to have the last word though, or the row could drag on… and on…

Arguing is a form of communication. It can delineate difference, demonstrate passion, prevent enmeshment, or even result in increased intimacy to soothe and make up. But too often fighting turns ugly, and constructive communication stops.

The upside of arguing is that it can reveal underlying issues, bring problems to the surface, and provide a forum for urgent thoughts and feelings to be expressed. But if arguing becomes frequent and overheated, it can lead to hardened viewpoints, and the method of arguing will need to change if a couple hopes to repair and reconnect.

If you are stuck in a rut of malicious arguing, then here are some other methods to tell your partner how you are feeling:

1.What do you want?

Competing agenda is a common thread among fighting couples. Do you both want the relationship to work, or is fighting a way of saying that things are irreconcilable? Can you be honest about what you feel without attacking the other?

2.Write it down.

Instead of verbal sparring, write down what you want to say in a SHORT few sentences. Your partner can write down their response but in not less than 30 minutes. This gives everyone a chance to cool down, collect their thoughts and continue the discussion with better brain power.

3.Draw a Picture

Even if you are a ‘stick figure’ artist, making a picture of what is happening for you can be a creative metaphor to communicate with your partner. Draw images, words, scribbles, whatever describes you or your situation. You can also use clay, toys and props, cut outs from magazines – your creative choice. Describe the drawing to your partner.

4.Recognise difference.

Realise that the way you work through conflict is not the same way your partner does it. Often one partner will seek quick or immediate feedback and resolution. They may follow their partner around the flat seeking connection, answers and reactions. And the other partner is only able to work through their thoughts and solutions with silence, time, and calm, so the charged atmospehere of a heated exchange makes them retreat further. This becomes a never-ending 'infinity loop' of conflict, blame and recrimination.

Don’t push your partner to find resolution on YOUR timescale or in your method.

5.What is the REAL issue here?

Is it really the rubbish, the housework or who forgot what that’s the issue, or is there an unexpressed feeling that you are not loved?